Letters from A Pyromaniac
by Chaos Silk
Summary: Part of a collab fic with FireHedgeHog. Letters from Reno to Seph describing the random psychotic events of their day to day life. Shonen ai and almost disturbing humor.
1. First

Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.

Finally got around to changing this.

This is part of a collab fic with **Firehedgehog**, who is a most amazingly skilled and talented author whom you should check out if you have the time.

Warnings: Randomness, humor, Slutty Reno, lots of yaoi-filled hints and crossdressing along with an exceeding lack of sanity. Read at your own risk.

0x0x0x0x0x

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org  
From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org  
Subject: Hey Buddy!

Dearest Sephy-kins,

…Yes I do know you're going to brutally murder me and display my horribly mangled corpse from your office window when you finally get back. But hey, I might as well annoy the hell out of you while I'm still alive.

Which reminds me, have you killed Zack yet? If you haven't would you please consider letting me live long enough to maim and kill him. I just found out he was the one who painted my desk bright purple. I really don't mind the color as much as I mind the non-flammable-ness of the paint. Shiva freeze him.

Anyways hope this letter finds you more than slightly homicidal. I still can't remember where in the hell you are. I would ask how you are, but I really don't care. I'm only writing because I'm bored out of my mind.

Oh right. I set fire to Hojo's desk like you asked. And you will be pleased to know that not only did I get his notes, but his freaky little Squid too. Some idiot who wasn't aware that squid are flammable tried to use them to put out the fire. I think it might've been Rufus.

No Hojo's wandering around mourning his notes and his squid and generally looking pathetic while we all laugh at him and/or set his lab coat on fire. Guess which one I'm responsible for. And would you like to know what the best part is? I know you really don't care, but I don't care if you really don't care so I'll tell you. Nobody except for Tseng cause he's a paranoid little bugger, even suspects me, only you and Rhiana know for certain that I'm involved.

Rhiana says 'Hi' and she's wondering if you've seen Juno recently. She's gone missing again and she didn't take Det with her, which is odd. Rhiana said not to worry though, she'll turn up eventually.

Would you like to know what Rufus said to me the other day? No? Well too bad cause I'm going to tell you anyways. It was really, really odd.

I was sitting in my office, innocently burning my paperwork for the week in my trashcan when Rufus walks into my office. Which is really weird because Rufus never comes into my office willingly, something about being afraid that I'm eventually going to set him on fire. Anyways I stare at him; he stares at me. And the fire crackles cheerily.

"Reeennoooo…." He growls trying to be all threatening and moody, which doesn't scare me a bit because Rufus isn't scary. Now Rhiana, with her insanity and randomness is scary. Juno with her issues is scary. You are scary. Rufus is not scary. But what he asked next really was scary. "Do you know where Scarlet gets her dresses?" The sad thing is he was perfectly serious, but the really disturbing thing is he actually thought I knew where she shopped. Doesn't he know that Rhiana buys all my crossdressing accessories?

My maniacal laughter brought in Tseng who glared at me while Rufus tried to shut me up and by shut me up I mean he slammed my face into my desk which really hurt. Remind me to kick him down the stairs and make it look like an accident. I got in trouble for setting fire to my paperwork and Rufus wandered off. Damn pretty boy.

On a completely unrelated topic, someone shoved Reeve in a very slutty dress and locked him in a broom closet. I didn't do it, Zack isn't even here and Rhiana half-way likes Reeve because he's a stalker. I have absolutely no clue who it might've been.

Looking forward to laughing at your reply,

Love,  
Reno


	2. Second

Letters from a Pyromaniac

By BloodyChaosDragonKnight (the one and only BloodyChaos)

Disclaimer: I only own my muses, my OC's and Reno's last name…nothing else

AN: This is now a project between **FireHedgeHog** and myself, because Muse is busy and FireHedgeHog is fun to write with...

Warnings: Go read the first chapter

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org

From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org

Subject: Re:Re:Hey Buddy!

Dearest Sephy,

Your threats mean nothing to me for I am over here and you are over there... that and Rufus said he'd let Hojo experiment on you if you didn't behave... I'm his _Personal_ bodyguard you know...

Zack is an idiot, you should kill him. He doesn't even come close to my brilliance. Besides I've redecorated his office, it's now every five-year-old girl's dream. It's all pink and puffy and sparkly. And the best thing is, he can't do anything about it... I've sent pictures just in case you feel like telling him.

And for your information I am not a moron, I have a higher IQ than Zack and that chocobo-headed soldier put together... Plus I hacked into Shinra's mainframe and 'reorganized' Hojo's notes. Notes that will be found if you don't behave, you get my drift... or do I have to reinsert the 'Sephiroth breeding program' into the database?

I haven't done anything of notice lately, but I found out it was Scarlet who threw Hojo's squid onto the fire... and then got drunk off her ass and drew on Rude's face with a permanent marker... Rude tried to kill her, it was quite amusing. Well for me at least, because I was the one who actually drew on Rude's face...

I'll be sure to tell Tseng to keep his random sluttiness far from your office, in fact I'll tell him to keep his sluttiness in mine. That ought to solve your problem, at least until I need blackmail again... but you didn't hear that.

Reeve denies that he owes you anything, believe me. I braved his moogles and cats to threaten him for you and he says you're the one that owes him...

Also you owe me one black eye and a molestation.

Much love and annoyance to you (may Zack die a painful death)

Reno

TBC

Thanks to all, esp **Firehedgehog** whom has written the other half for this **Letters from a One Winged Angel ** so go read if you want it to make sense...


	3. Third

Letters from a Pyromaniac

By BloodyChaosDragonKnight (the one and only BloodyChaos)

Disclaimer: I only own my muses, my OC's and Reno's last name…nothing else

AN: Wheeee!!! Go visit **FireHedgeHog**... andI'm extremely bored and I have a sick mind... so ha!

Warnings: Go read the first chapter

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org

From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org

Subject: Re:PaintWar

Dearest Sephy,

Kindly inform your idiot that I don't sleep in my room, I sleep in Tseng's... or Rufus's. And it's not exactly a secret either... Oh and I probably should add that that is now Zack's room, you know hacking into Shinra's mainframe and all... and I'm holding all of Zack's stuff hostage, he can either forfeit or I will set it all on fire.

And because all of my clothes have been replaced with women's your beloved idiot (who is going to die the instant he sets foot in the building) will not be getting his back. He can run around naked for all I care, I'm not wearing a dress... in front of the general public. And for the last time I do not wear underwear... it gets in the way of things.

Oh and I've changed Zack's orders just a teensy bit. You can make do with that Cloud-kid right? Because he's been volunteered for helping the Red Bitch, the Fat Bastard and the Stupid Fat Bastard make decisions on things that don't really matter so he won't be in your office. I've reprogrammed all the computers in that general area to not work when he touches them (mako is a wonderful thing) so he won't be able to annoy you or me.

Shiva forbid him from remembering my cellphone number, I don't need to hear him screeching in my ear while I'm blowing some guys brains out.

Anyways in other news I've implemented yet another insane plan to torture Hojo, you remember the last attempt at Sephiroth breeding program, right...

Actually let's not remember that... I have enough mental trauma in my life without remembering that an insane scientist thought I was a girl and tried to force me to have your children... and then threatened to make it possible for me to have children without making me a girl...

Damn it all to Shiva's realm of never-ending winter, I just remembered...

Oh the trauma and seething rage that comes with remembering that...

Stop laughing at me you bastard. It's only funny when you aren't the one who's going to be pregnant... Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to repress that memory and we will never speak of it again... and if you do there is nothing that will be able to stop me from attempting to kill you.

The point is to have you kill me so I won't remember, got it... I can't remember what I'm not supposed to be remembering, which is good it means the memory repression worked, but I swear to Bahamut I will kick you in the balls at least once before you kill me if you mention whatever the hell it is again.

Anyways I inserted an assistant breeding program into Hojo's computer and now he's trying to get his underlings (all extremely dislikable straight males except that one who gropes everyone) to make babies with one another instead of the twisted experiments... It doesn't even occur to him that they're all male and therefore cannot get pregnant...

And why do I have the strange feeling that that sentence is somehow related to some of my mental trauma... _Ponders_.

Much love to you who are now Zackless...

Your favorite Redheaded Turk

Reno


	4. fourth

Letters from a Pyromaniac

By BloodyChaosDragonKnight (the one and only BloodyChaos)

Disclaimer: I only own my muses, my OC's and Reno's last name…nothing else

AN: Go visit **FireHedgeHog**...

Warnings: Go read the first chapter

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org

From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org

Subject: Re: The Hazards of Desk

Dearest Sephy,

You have nightmares? You the epitomes of all scariness have nightmares? I am now officially creeped out beyond all reason. After I finish writing this I believe I will cower under my desk for the rest of the day. For reasons that have nothing to do with the fact that I stole Cait Sith's remote.

What? Wait a second what?

He sent you pictures of what? Ohhhhh Tseng is so dead now... He can be a random slut all he wants and all is right in the world, but I get screwed by Vin on Hojo's desk (for the sole purpose disturbing Hojo and it's fun) and he takes pictures, yells at me and sends them to you.

I think he's jealous. Cause he did the same thing when he found out Rufus and I had something going on. And when he found out about our random drunken encounters. And that time I made out with Cloud **and **Zack...

For your information I stole Hojo's keys and made copies (I gave you one remember), no one else was involved except for Rude's rubber duck which was for distraction purposes.

It was actually a funny story cause you see the rubber duck didn't work half as well as I thought it would... and Rude's still pissed because he never got it back. Thank every god and goddess that he doesn't know I was involved.

Oh and most recently in my campaign to annoy Hojo I made him paranoid because Vincent (his eternal rival) and I have joined forces. We've also burned down his house and... got him under lab-arrest (You see it would be house arrest, but he no longer has a house) so he's stuck at Shinra...

Oh and Zack gave his lab monkeys spoons, so Hojo's about to have a major breakdown.

Wish you were here to see this, but kind of don't because you'll kill me.

Your favorite Turk (You know it)

Reno

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing


	5. Fifth

Letters from a Pyromaniac

By BloodyChaosDragonKnight (the one and only BloodyChaos)

Disclaimer: I only own my muses, my OC's and Reno's last name…nothing else

AN: Go visit **FireHedgeHog**... since we're both online and in a mood to write, we're working on this.

Warnings: Go read the first chapter

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org

From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org

Subject: Spoon war

Oh Devious love of mine...

I have mailed you the remote... and Cloud. He's in the box with the airholes. Let's hope the mail people don't shake him up too badly. And your spoons, all that I could get back from the monkeys (I traded Zack's spoons for them, I still have his stuff remember). Oh wait your not-spoons.

Hojo's still freaking out and Tseng's still being an ass so Shinra's the same as usual.

Only this time it has Tseng molesting me in the closet everytime we pass one. And man are there a lot of closets in Shinra, I've been molested 476 times today. Just by Tseng.

To tell the truth I've been thinking of camping out in Vincent's office until this is all over, but that would just make him madder... and more possessive. I did it before with Rufus and he (Tseng) camped out in my bedroom the entire time (his thinking was that I had to go home sometime, which I did and it was good).

Oh and update on the Hojo front, it is indeed Rude's rubber duck. Rude has finally figured out that I must be involved so I'm currently hiding in the airvents from both him and Tseng. I think I'm stuck, but that's ok I only need to rip off all my clothes and I'll be free. But I'm definitely not doing that, not with Tseng in this mood and with Reeve still after my pretty ass.

Not in the way you're thinking, though I only wish it was that way. It would be so much much easier to deal with him if he was just a horny little bugger looking for a little action, but nooo he's a straightlaced goody-two shoes who was just asking to have his stuff stolen. Not only did I steal Cait Sith's remote, but every remote he owned along with his pants, since mine (Zack's) keep disappearing.

I think Hojo was getting chased by cafeteria food the other night, right before I went and got the spoons. I heard screaming... and Zack, but Zack isn't so much as a factor as an annoyance (I ran into him later and he stole my pants).

Anywhoo, much love to you, you horny little bugger.

The Star of all your wet dreams

Reno

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing

Chaos


	6. sixth

Letters from a Pyromaniac

By BloodyChaosDragonKnight (the one and only BloodyChaos)

Disclaimer: I only own my muses, my OC's and Reno's last name…nothing else

AN: Go visit **FireHedgeHog**... since we're both online and in a mood to write, we're working on this.

Warnings: Go read the first chapter

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org

From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org

Subject: Closets

Actually there's 711 and I've been molested in every single one of them... By Tseng, who is still being a possessive nut and driving everyone crazy. I've had to crossdress to keep him off my ass (quite literally)... Unfortunately that backfired and I'm now handcuffed to the bed.

And I can't help but remember that this was the hotel we ditched Hojo in after burning down his house... Is it wrong to say that I miss Vincent and his non-possessive, handcuff-free insaneness? He's here too somewhere, just hasn't visited me because Tseng's a psycho ice-bitch.

I love Tseng, really I do. I just don't like being handcuffed to a bed and left alone in a room.

Some Vacation this is...

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an escape attempt to plan, write you back when I'm free and can walk straight.

Your secret lover

Reno.

TBC

Thanks to all for reading and reviewing

Chaos


	7. Seventh

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org

From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org

Subject: Blowing up

Oh Mighty Silver-haired Angel of Death, Destruction and Sexiness,

I'm quite happy where I am thank you very much. As for where I am, that's none of your business. All you need to know that I'm happy, healthy and not getting molested every five minutes.

And for your information I did not blow up the hotel... It just happened to blow up shortly after in a completely unrelated incident as I was escaping. Why doesn't anyone believe me?

Heh, probably because I'm actually guilty, but you didn't hear it from me...In fact I'm willing to tell you the whole story as long as you don't tell anyone else...

Who am I kidding? As soon as I tell you, you'll tell the entirety of Shinra, most especially Tseng and Rufus who will steal the footage of me running through the hotel naked just minutes before the explosion.

Um... you didn't hear that either.

Oh so that was why Tseng left me along so long and took all of my crossdressing accessories and Vincent didn't visit me. Tseng made him crossdress... using my clothes.

I don't know whether to be strangely touched or affectionately weirded-out.

I think I'll settle for just being confused and wanting my dress back.

Oh and I got it from that shop in wall market, I have a ton. Rufus buys them for me, he thinks I look hot in a dress. When I feel like getting back to work, I'll pick one up for you. I already know what size Cloud wears cause we usually crossdress and go barhopping on Wednesdays.

You can join us if you want, but you have to wear a dress (it's our thing you know).

Your almighty redhaired sex god,

Reno


	8. eighth

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org

From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org

Subject: Re: Dresses and whatnot.

Oh King of Almighty Bitchiness and my pants, (cause I'm not wearing any)...

Ha, like I'd tell you that... As much as I love you I am not giving away my free access to every single part of the building including Hojo's lab and the President's secret room... I like messing with people's minds too much to allow anyone else that power.

Oh and the pictures of Cloud, don't really need any more, cause see... some of the numbers he and I go barhopping in are really, really skimpy. Like bathing suit skimpy...

Also Zack is an idiot.

He canceled out Reeve's access not mine, so don't be surprised when Zack gets raped by about twenty moogles in twenty-thirty minutes. Oh and I bet you didn't know this but... Reeve is secretly gay and in love with Rude of all people, can you believe that?

How do I know this? Uh heh heh... Well I'm certainly not hiding out in Reeve's office if that's what you're thinking.

Ok, got it... No more dancing chocobos on Sephy-kins' computer, is a stripping Cloud more to your liking?

By the way, this footage is from a little bar in Midgar. I forget what we were doing and why we had a camera because I was drunk, but Cloud ended up stripping and I caught the entire thing on camera.

And no, you can't have it.

Well I'm off to switch hiding places again.

Love, kisses and my pants,

Reno.


	9. ninth

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org  
From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org  
Subject: Re: No Subject

Dear He who is slowly losing his sanity,

Dude, how in the hell did you manage to spot that? She's only onscreen for five seconds, and who doesn't know about her hula lessons? Zack and I bugged that room months ago, when we were still getting along and not in a massive prank war to end all prank wars (by the way, the turning your hair neon green thing was an accident and meant for Zack).

I'm saving it for blackmail, or else I would. Though, if you really want to see it, ask Zack for his copies. Though I think you'd be better off not watching it, she's so horrible that it makes seeing Palmer naked pale in comparison. I'm serious, she's that bad. That's why Tseng banned her from attempting to dance at any and all social functions, it's for the sake of our eyes.

And ears. She can't sing either, and when she dances, she sings.

I will never be able to listen to Ha Mele No Lilo without wincing in remembrance.

Done and done. Though the one on his ass doesn't say 'I love Donuts', that's the one on his right thigh. The one on his ass says 'I love Rubber Ducks'. Don't give me that look. Let's see you spend every waking moment with the guy for two months and come out not knowing where all his embarrassing tattoos are. And various other, mind-scarring things that I will never mention in public without very good reason.

I've forwarded proof to Reeve who should be **very** happy indeed.

Do not ask how it was acquired. Let's just say that spending that long of an amount of time together allows you plenty of time to grab a camera and take incriminating pictures. And that it goes both ways, only I have liberated all of my incriminating pictures. Or at least the ones I know about. Don't let those sunglasses fool you, Rude is **pure** evil.

I keep telling you it was an accident. I was aiming for Zack and you just happened to get in the way. Sorry about that, if it helps me keep my life for a little while longer, I'll send you the antidote. And the antidote for any other schemes I get before hand, just in case you get caught up in them.

Oh, and be sure to avoid stairways for the next week or so. I booby-trapped all the ones coming to and from the SOLDIER floors in retaliation for Zack placing man-eating plants all over the Turk's floor. By Bahamut's sharp pointy teeth, I swear he has less since than a gold chocobo.

Thankfully, I always carry with me my handy-dandy enemy-skill materia with its ever helpful flame-thrower skill. Did you know that man-eating plants scream like humans when they die a horrible fiery death? I didn't either, in fact, I took the liberty of recording it and setting it to play whenever Zack opens the door to his office.

One way or another I am going to win this war. And with the exception of you, because you'll kill me, Tseng, because he'll tie me down and do naughty bad things to me, Rufus, because he's smexy, Vincent, because he'll rape me and then he'll kill me and Reeve, that man is fricken scary, I really don't care if anyone else gets caught up in it.

I will win. And Zack will cry. Or do whatever it is you SOLDIERs do instead of crying cause the Mako screws with your tear-ducts.

Finally returned to work, but still not wearing pants.  
Your personal sex god and supreme ruler of your pants.  
Reno.


	10. tenth

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org  
From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org  
Subject: Re: Highly Disturbed

Dear He who is my sex-slave and doesn't know it yet,

Actually Hojo doesn't know a lot of things. He doesn't know that you're gay, or that Rufus is on the verge of firing him and replacing him with a drunk monkey, or that Cloud is actually a spy for the chocobo nation... which I bet you didn't know either so ha.

Been there, done that, made a million gil off the t-shirt sales.

Dude, that is so a Turk secret and I might have to kill you for it... For your information, 'she' is having surgery to become a girl.

And you should've knocked. You should know better by now, after all, how many times have you walked in on me when I was 'involved'? If you don't want an eyeful, just do what I do and slide everything under the door then run like hell...

Of course, I do this because I don't want to be raped/molested/accosted by my oh-so-sexy superiors, not because I don't want to see people screwing. Though I don't want to see unattractive people having sex, not at all... Though if it were you... or Tseng. Or Vincent. Or Rufus. Or Cloud.

Or, hell, even Zack. Maybe.

I'm not a pervert, you are. Everyone knows where you go on your breaks. Though I and my good friend, mister hidden camera, have something to do with that.

King of Sex Gods and your Pants,

Reno


	11. eleventh

To: Psychopath at Shinra . org

From: FlameTurk at Shinra .org

Subject: Re: What the Heck?

Dear lover of all things flaming, including me,

Yes, chocobo nation. Or one of those weird chocobo support groups, and not your graphic novel. I know the difference, and I've caught our beloved chocobo-head leaving the meetings several times, and on tape too. That line of reasoning proves it, see. Of course he uses gel, you think those spikes are natural? They're too... spiky not to be.

Make it 100 and I'll steal the actual jar for you. Cloud and I are rather good friends, remember, we crossdress and go barhopping every now and again. I believe I've mentioned this before.

Where did you hear that? He still has about seven operations to go before he's a 'real girl', and it's kind of creeping us all out. If only, if only. Tseng even has a restraining order on 'her', but since 'she' doesn't actually exist yet, nothing has been done. Legally, at least. Rufus muttered something about shooting her in the face with his shotgun next time he saw 'her'.

Indeed, yesterday 'she' tripped over me, my shoes, 'her' shoes, 'her' desk, the chair in the reception area and Tseng's car. 'She' does? Really? I talk trash about her all the time, but she doesn't do anything to me. But that may be because I 'borrowed' one of Hojo's squirrels and trained it to attack anyone who lectures me.

Good luck with your mission, let's work hard at removing idiots from the face of the planet

Much love from

The God of your pants, the –second- sexiest active Turk on the planet, and the love of your life

Reno.


End file.
